Female INTJs and Friendly Affection

[Hatsumomo1]

So once in a great while I like to look over the feed on Facebook, being mildly interested in the social lives of people I know when I find myself bored. Sometimes I come across pictures of two female friends hugging tightly or kissing each other on the cheek (sometimes the lips, despite them being straight.) And when I see these I can't help but raise an eyebrow. I know people like to show affection in different ways, but I still find it sort of strange to kiss your best female friend on the lips at a party, especially if you're straight. I just don't understand this.

I remember in high school I had this really affectionate friend, and when she'd lean her head on my shoulder or hug me I couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable. One time she kissed me on the cheek and I almost felt violated. Even when an acquaintance runs up to me and hugs me I freeze up a little.

I suppose it would be typical of an INTJ to see these displays of affection as a little unsettling, but I'm just looking for individual opinion. Has anyone ever done this to you? Have you seen it done? What do you think of it?

[taintedkitty]

I get called out for being "cold" that way.

I have acquaintances who do the double-kiss-on-cheek thing. Acquaintances! What blasphemy! I had no idea which cheek the kissing started on and that got a little awkward. I almost automatically pulled back when another acquaintance was doing the rounds with hugs (in a group).

However, if we're close friends I can be quite affectionate myself. I don't dispense hugs and kisses in that case anyway. More often, tickling, poking, general gabbery and light teasing.

[AliTree]

i totally agree. i have gotten over most people showing some physical affection to me (ie. hugging) but i don't really like anything else. like my 2 clostest girl friends and i are extremely awkward in terms of social interactions and so sometimes we kid around and pretend to rub the other one's leg or something along those lines just to get a reaction out of each other but nothing more then that. it would be extremely weird & not me/us if we went farther. i just think some girls get bored and aren't so reserved as our type. same goes for guys, though, really.

[Grace]

I think it has to do with family culture, as well as our personality, with personality being the stronger factor. Over the years, as I have sought to learn how to connect with more people, I have relaxed on the whole physical affection thing. while I rarely initiate hugs and kisses with my female friends, I have learned to enjoy the ritual, because I know it's genuine for them. Most people who have just met me don't try to hug me (except in a church setting, where it becomes a sign of acceptance and support).

[Astra]

sometimes the lips, despite them being straight

sounds like faux-lesbian attention-seeking to me - done for the benefit of the guys.

I actually really like hugs from those very close to me (my immediate family). I've had to force myself to learn social kissing though - it just seems waaaay too intimate, even with friends.

[raz1337]

What's this Facebook you speak of? I feel a little weird when looking at pictures on myspace/facebook of any kind. There are so many pictures. I honestly wonder if those people keep cameras in their pockets. Oh wait, they're cell phones. There are just....so...many. My cell phone right now is dead, and I'm only pondering charging it to devise a way to get a girl's phone number at school.

I look at other people and they have like 5000 friends. I have...11 friends on mine. I only care about one of them, and it's a girl I met online that I respect more than 99% of the people I've met IRL.

I went to a frat party once last year. The girls were waaaay too friendly to each other for me. I mean, I'm a guy, so I liked it on a superficial level, but it was so.....bleh.

[Lucid]

One of my very good friends is a female ESFP. She's very physically affectionate. She's always hugging, or she'll come over and scratch my back or if I'm over at her house watching a movie with her and her boyfriend sometimes she'll put her head on my shoulder or something like that.

It's a little awkward. It's not that it bothers me so much, since she's one of my best friends I don't mind her invading my personal space. It's just that I don't know what to do. Being physically affectionate in a friendly way does not come naturally to me and it usually feels awkward to return it. I figure that she knows how I am and probably is ok with me not being affectionate in return like that. It's never seemed to dissuade her anyway, and she probably feels special that I let her into my bubble at all. :)

[cullenisacreep]

Yes. I have an ESFJ friend who hugs me a lot. I usually just stand there with my arms tightly at my sides while she continues to show affection. It's not just friendly female attention that freaks me out sometimes, but when this one guy touched my hand to borrow a pen (which was often) I would tense up. The fact that I'm a germaphobe doesn't help.

[White Raven]

One of my closest friends is an ESFJ, and she's big on the whole hugging thing. Personally I hate when people who aren't little kids or my younger siblings lean their heads on my shoulder. It doesn't matter which gender they are. It just...bothers me. The one time a girl kissed my cheek I felt decidedly uncomfortable, despite the fact that it was a culturally (for her) perfectly normal to do. (She had just come from Mexico, and she was at my Spanish teacher's house.) I really don't appreciate being touched by friends.

[Smotor]

I once had this friend who was very affectionate and needy (I'm not quite up on all of the different types yet to categorize her), and thus quite annoying. However, she was very reflective and a great person to talk with about issues and life. My main problem with her is that she would try to lean on me, grab my arm, or even caress my hand or something at almost every opportunity.

Of course that sort of affection bothered me a great deal just because I don't like to be touched. Also, she attempted to be more affectionate in public, so I always saw her actions as some way of trying to "claim" me and keep me from interacting with others. Eventually, I had to cut the cord and we're no longer friends, even though she tries on occasion to contact me through mutual acquaintances.

Beyond that, I always find girl-girl PDA's, friendship or otherwise to be much more irksome than other pairings. I think some of this may stem from issues I had in high school where some people thought I was a lesbian because I wore neck ties and socialized with boys more than girls. I've always been very secure in my sexuality as a straight woman, but I've always had this fear people will see me as non-straight, so I guess I reflexively want to distance myself from any form of that lifestyle, not that I have anything against those who have said lifestyle.

I hope that doesn't sound offensive because I certainly didn't mean for it to.

[Vagrant]

When I first met my best friend (an ENFP), he was much more physical than me. I was always sort of standing back and such, and when he would give me a hug or a firm handshake, I was at a loss. I just wasn't used to it or comfortable with it at the time. It took me awhile, but I got over it. However, anybody who touches me automatically gets my attention, because I'm still not completely used to it.

[radames]

For a long time I viewed affection as invasive if a stranger, or even a newly made friend extended it out to me. I am not female of course, yet it can affect the male too who has been highly sensitive.

Mostly it was deemed to me that these affectionate expressions should be left to those who are married or family members who are comfortable expressing physical affection (which is not typical for many families out there).

[silversun]

I'm uncomfortable being hugged even when it's by relatives or people I've known all my life. Well, except my grandparents maybe. I like to hug my mom too =D

My relatives from England came to visit over the summer, and we went out for dinner with them. As we were saying good-bye, my cousin who is about the same age as me (I'm 18), leaned down and kissed me on the cheek. I can't describe how shocked I felt the whole way home. I couldn't get it off my mind, even though it was just a European thing.

Touching/Kissing/Hugging is an intimate thing to me. Only with close friends and close relatives.

[tp6626]

Its something I was never brought up with. I probably only became aware of it when I was 10. Going on a school holiday to France, we set off at about 2 in the morning. It was the first time all the children had been away from home for that long. My mum drove me down to school, dropped me off, and then stood talking to the other mums as I waved goodbye and carried my bag onto the coach. Looking out the coach window I saw (both) parents hugging and kissing their children, and some were even crying. Struck me as a little over the top, and made me realise I was a bit different.

Anyway, nowadays I'm not really affectionate like that. I don't mind people close to me being like that, but generally don't initiate anything. It does make me tense up when strangers surprise me with it, but I react better to it when I'm at work (I'm playing a different character there!).

There have been one or two times when my boss has patted me on the back saying "good job, Tom", which is a little uncomfortable. And his daughter is the type who will stand very close resting her hand on your forearm as she speaks to you, which again feels a bit weird but I just allow it to avoid offending her (I mean she does mean well, hehe).

[Mort45]

I pretty much only touch girls I'm involved with in some way.

I work as a swimming teacher which involves a lot of hands on correction, but I don't have any problem with it, probably because its my job of 3 years.

[Solaris]

Lucid really got it when she said she just doesn't know what to do. I'm that way. I like the idea of showing affection to certain friends/family, but I'm really awkward with it. The only time I'm not, is with a man I am in a relationship with. It's sort of annoying really, because I wish I wouldn't be so awkward and don't really know how not to be.

[blckprljinju]

I hug my closest friends willingly (includes about two people), and touch my family willingly without coiling. It's not just women; both male and female touching bothers me greatly. One of my guy friends gave an unsolited hug once and I just froze up. I have a self proclaimed INFP friend who hugs me a lot, and while I don't like it, me saying so doesn't stop her, so I've given up.

Whether seeking attention or whether they're "in the closet", I am against PDA in general, so I couldn't justify such actions.

I did have this one friend (who I don't talk to anymore), who liked to kiss my cheek when we were taking pictures (we were on a study abroad program... so it involved lots of picture taking), and it just freaked me out every time. I wonder if she really couldn't see just how much I didn't like it...

[cullenisacreep]

I pretty much only touch girls I'm involved with in some way.

I work as a swimming teacher which involves a lot of hands on correction, but I don't have any problem with it, probably because its my job of 3 years.

I had a tennis teacher who got sued for sexual harassment because he was very hands-on. Maybe the mother who sued was a bit overly-sensitive, but then again he was pretty creepy.

[probity]

Touching as a way of showing affection often makes me freeze up a little. There are very few people who I'm comfortable receiving unexpected hugs from. Kissing a friend I'd never even consider. However, one or two of my female friends I'm close enough to cuddle, hug, or lap sit with. Most of my physical affection, when I must be physically affectionate, comes out as mildly aggressive behavior.

[Antares]

I have something like a toxic reaction to physical contact as a display of affection; in fact, I have a toxic reaction to most forms of affection. "I like you" makes me cringe a little, I freeze up when people hug me and I certainly never touch people when talking to them. I don't like to get too close either. I think two feet is good casual conversation distance for me. I would never allow people to kiss me nor will I kiss them. Receiving affection apart, I have a hard time giving affection. The closest I came to physical affection recently was a pat on the back for a friend who was about to undergo a hard test, and it was only because I know she doesn't mind; she's an extrovert who's all about touching (in a nonsexual way, of course). I never, ever touch my introverted friends unless it's play fight. I did something spectacularly out of character today though. I told a girl: "You're my good friend"- which wasn't particularly true, but I was trying to keep the mood light and friendly. I grimaced a little as soon as I turned away.

[Janospeed]

It always startles me and I tend to freeze up when an ordinary friend suddenly uses physical affection towards me. I try not to get to caught up by it. I tend to cringe when I get compliments, I never know how to respond. Should I compliment them back, or just say thanks. I rarely think my actions are deserving of praise and I feel like I should balance the relationship but I don't know how. When I was In highschool, and even a little now in college I've had bad reactions to female friends suddenly deciding that they're Interested in me. I understand why, I'm generally a vaguely friendly guy and I never do anything mean spirited. But It has a tendency to ruin relationships when I've found that I somehow convinced them into thinking I was into them when I wasn't. How do you successfully deny affection, without hurting them?