Attracted to ENFJs?

[bored1]

One thing I've noticed after making a multitude of people take the MBTI test, is that all the women that have tested as ENFJ, I'm attracted to in some way. And one of them, in fact, got into a relationship with me (a doomed one, due to many things, one of them being her weakness in being her own person). I've found it strange that I'm attracted so much to such weak-willed people. Perhaps it's that they're so similar to ENFPs, which are for some reason in short supply around here, and I take what I can get.

Any other INTJs noticed this, or do I just have low self-esteem or a mental disorder? XD

[Synamon]

I've never seen ENFJs described as weak-willed, I really like xNFJs, they are warm friendly people.

From personality pages: "In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual."

The fact that your relationship with an ENFJ failed may mean that they are not a good match for you, or it may mean that one ENFJ wasn't right for you.

If you are attracted to them how exactly are you 'settling'?

[Indubitably]

I've never seen ENFJs described as weak-willed, I really like xNFJs, they are warm friendly people.

From personality pages: "In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual."

The fact that your relationship with an ENFJ failed may mean that they are not a good match for you, or it may mean that one ENFJ wasn't right for you.

If you are attracted to them how exactly are you 'settling'?

I wouldn't be so quick to lump INFJs and ENFJs in the same group, they're pretty radically different people in my experience. ENFJs are the most non-N-like Ns I have encountered, they almost invariably strike me as more like an ESFJ than any other type. My brother for one, is an ENFJ that definitely does not play well with INFJs or INTJs (whom are far closer to each other than either will ever be to ENFJ if you ask me).

I think where ENFJs stand out more than any other type is in their extraordinary salesmanship. An ENFJ could sell ice to esikmos.. then convince them that they should be ashamed for causing an international ice shortage, and just for good measure tie it into starving children in africa and aids simultaneously.

Shame on you eskimos, really, if wasn't for you, all those starving african orphans would never have contracted aids.. I think you had better lower the price on that shipment of wale blubber we were talking about, or the children may just die of malnutrition.

[Synamon]

I wouldn't be so quick to lump INFJs and ENFJs in the same group, they're pretty radically different people in my experience. ENFJs are the most non-N-like Ns I have encountered, they almost invariably strike me as more like an ESFJ than any other type.

I lump them because I'm a sucker for Fe. I even like ESFJs since I married one.

I was just refuting the "weak-willed" bias of the OP. Putting other people first is not being weak-willed, but it might look like that to an INTJ who doesn't value people.

[MonkeyMind]

Was attracted to an ENFJ 30 years ago and married her.
And we are still married.

My experience is that if you want an INTJ-ENFJ relationship to last, the INTJ has to help the ENFJ to be herself, being her own person, as the OP stated it.

If you are not willing to do this kind of work, you'd better forget it.

[Exponential]

I know several ENFJ's and I would not describe any of them as weak-willed. Some of the strongest people I know are ENFJ's. I would agree that ENFJ's can be very attractive... depending on the conversation topic, you can have some really long and interesting discussions with them. I think that is part of the attraction.

[MonkeyMind]

ENFJs are not weak-willed. Their problem is their pride of being a helper and always being available for others. They need to think about and do more of what is good for them and less of what is good for others.

Their weakness isn't a matter of willpower but of pride.

ENFjs need to learn that they are lovable not because of what they do, but because of what they are.

[hullolife]

Just broke up with my ENFJ. He says he was ENTJ but I think he leaned to the F.

[Marcus]

An ENFJ could sell ice to esikmos..
Only to non-INTJ Eskimos. I tend to see through the BS they produce. This is the reason I don't hang out too often with them, despite that they are fun/likable otherwise.

[cullenisacreep]

I'm attracted to strong-willed people who don't try to fit in (usually moderately E) NTJs. There's just something very annoying about people who try to please others. I'm friends with a few Fs but not close with many of them.

Honestly I think you might have low self-esteem if you want a people-pleaser, but I could be wrong. Or maybe you don't like your girlfriends to be smarter than you, which can also be associated with low self-esteem.

[Synamon]

I'm attracted to strong-willed people who don't try to fit in (usually moderately E) NTJs. There's just something very annoying about people who try to please others. I'm friends with a few Fs but not close with many of them.

Honestly I think you might have low self-esteem if you want a people-pleaser, but I could be wrong. Or maybe you don't like your girlfriends to be smarter than you, which can also be associated with low self-esteem.
Yeah, pleasing others is a tragedy. It should be banned. We should drown Fs at birth. /heavy dose of sarcasm

What is with the ridiculous notion that pleasing others or helping other people makes someone weak? Just because you don't value it does NOT make it a weakness in someone else, in my opinion it makes it a weakness in YOU.

[cullenisacreep]

Yeah, pleasing others is a tragedy. It should be banned. We should drown Fs at birth. /heavy dose of sarcasm

What is with the ridiculous notion that pleasing others or helping other people makes someone weak? Just because you don't value it does NOT make it a weakness in someone else, in my opinion it makes it a weakness in YOU.

Helping others is good. I don't recall posting anything about that. But I have to say that valuing other's opinions over your own IS a weakness. This is where you get the Mean Girls-esque circle of annoying people who follow around the one leader, who often does not have the best intentions.

Also, I have to agree with your sarcasm and say that pleasing others is a tragedy- when done dishonesty. People should just do what they want and say what they mean, but everyone has grown up with the notion that you have to say cheery and PC. Sometimes you just have to yell and disagree.

[rara avis]

Wow, my sister's an ENFJ, and she's one of the bossiest, most controlling people I've ever met. She always knows what's good for everyone and feels very very compelled to help/force them to do just that. Her punchline among our family is "Stop struggling! I'm trying to help you!" (She doesn't think it's funny, though.)

She even drives like she can control other people with her car.

She gives me a run for my money where strong will is concerned. But she's willing to make compromises with people in order to keep moving... and to keep some of us from being unbearably petulant.

She is very sensitive, and especially to criticism. She tries to be cool about it, but days later you'll find that an offhand critical comment from someone (...OK, probably me) has been tormenting her. This made her a target for bullies for a bit when she was much younger.

She's very pretty, intelligent, and charming, and is about to marry an ENTJ. I figure that they get on well together because he can stand up to her. They admire each other's overall drive and energy, I think, and their mutual eagerness to alter & improve their lives. They have some pretty grand plans.

[Astra]

her weakness in being her own person

ENFJs are very people-centred - social conformity for the sake of others' contentment (rather than because-I-say-so in the SJ manner) is really important to them. Maybe she was trying to meet you halfway? They definitely aren't weak-willed - quite the reverse, although often pretty subtle about it.

I have to say I don't think INTJ-ENFJ is such a great match though. You'll both have very strong views going in completely different directions.

[neophytical]

I've been reading a lot of good things about INFJ-INTJ friendships on here. Does anyone else find that they just don't 'click' with this type?

[Seablue]

I wouldn't be so quick to lump INFJs and ENFJs in the same group, they're pretty radically different people in my experience. ENFJs are the most non-N-like Ns I have encountered, they almost invariably strike me as more like an ESFJ than any other type. My brother for one, is an ENFJ that definitely does not play well with INFJs or INTJs (whom are far closer to each other than either will ever be to ENFJ if you ask me).

I think where ENFJs stand out more than any other type is in their extraordinary salesmanship. An ENFJ could sell ice to esikmos..

She always knows what's good for everyone and feels very very compelled to help/force them to do just that. Her punchline among our family is "Stop struggling! I'm trying to help you!" (She doesn't think it's funny, though.)

I have an ENFJ friend and this definitely describes him. N but often looks like an S, great salesmanship, convinced that he knows what others need (for instance, I need to "embrace change" :stare:).

Being friends with him is fun, he's a nice guy, lively, fun, etc. And I could be tempted to let myself be attracted to him (he flirts a lot). But no, no thanks. He's not reliable enough, changes his mind too much... A bit manipulative sometimes... And he loves others, sure, but sometimes I feel like I'm more interested than him in truly understanding people - he wants to help hem.

[davai]

had 2/3 as GFs in the past. good fuck, big tits, snooty, sly, fake happy, gun to head, bang, slightly bitter.

[therrirl]

I have an ENFJ friend and this definitely describes him. N but often looks like an S, great salesmanship, convinced that he knows what others need (for instance, I need to "embrace change" :stare:).

Being friends with him is fun, he's a nice guy, lively, fun, etc. And I could be tempted to let myself be attracted to him (he flirts a lot). But no, no thanks. He's not reliable enough, changes his mind too much... A bit manipulative sometimes... And he loves others, sure, but sometimes I feel like I'm more interested than him in truly understanding people - he wants to help hem.
Sounds like he might be borderline P, with the mind changing bit.

[Seablue]

I'm not 100% sure but I think he's J for several reasons. And it's not so much that he really changes his mind... But he says things and doesn't follow through because he never intended to, he just said them to watch people's reactions (or at least I think that's what he does). He also seems to change his mind because he'll say "I shouldn't do X" and two hours later "I'll do it anyway" but it's obvious - I think - that he actually knew what he was going to decide from the start...

P or not... That's confusing as hell!

[dontmesswithme]

I know/have known several ENFJ's--all female. In my opinion, there is a massive difference between them and INFJ's. I'm not even sure if I could describe it properly, but they just put themselves out there into the world in such a different way than INFJ's do.

[Shoshana]

I'm convinced Oprah is ENFJ.

[Negativezero]

Not really. Most Extraverts are overbearingly social and make me feel very uncomfortable most times. Pressured to act when I don't want to act. I don't know the correct move since this isn't what I do and seem to do something odd or nothing at all, both succeed at making me feel uncomfortable.

Extraverted Judging types are worse for this pressuring. I try to avoid too much contact with them. I know I'm broken, I gotta look out for myself though since I don't know how to fix me.


ENFJ's. Spending time with them is like spending time under water with no oxygen mask. I can only do it for so long before I need to go get some air. Often I'm seen smoking a cigarette or going to the bathroom [when I really don't have to].

ENFP's are better for me. I still prefer the company of an INFP or ESFP [they don't make you feel like you HAVE to do things and come up with a lot of fun and simple activities everyone can do. I like that].

[Ghostwheel]

Wow, my sister's an ENFJ, and she's one of the bossiest, most controlling people I've ever met. She always knows what's good for everyone and feels very very compelled to help/force them to do just that. Her punchline among our family is "Stop struggling! I'm trying to help you!" (She doesn't think it's funny, though.)

She even drives like she can control other people with her car.

She gives me a run for my money where strong will is concerned. But she's willing to make compromises with people in order to keep moving... and to keep some of us from being unbearably petulant.

She is very sensitive, and especially to criticism. She tries to be cool about it, but days later you'll find that an offhand critical comment from someone (...OK, probably me) has been tormenting her. This made her a target for bullies for a bit when she was much younger.

She's very pretty, intelligent, and charming, and is about to marry an ENTJ. I figure that they get on well together because he can stand up to her. They admire each other's overall drive and energy, I think, and their mutual eagerness to alter & improve their lives. They have some pretty grand plans.

LOL! You just described my mother. I'm very close to her. And ... she's a great person to have on your side.

Nothing wrong with an INTJ-ENFJ pairing. But remember—they'll want to go out and do things! :)